I stumbled across my old journals from high school while cleaning out my closet before my move, and what I read in those journals brought tears to my eyes. The girl in those journals had no idea the beauty that life can hold, and the joy that it can bring. The girl in those journals had no idea that the pain she was experiencing was only temporary. The girl in those journals was 15/16 and so unaware of the happiness that her life could have
If you’re reading this maybe you’ve been through the pain high school, adolescence, and even depression can bring, or maybe if you’re reading this you’re going through these things right now. But if you’re reading this, nonetheless, you deserve to know that there is beauty beyond the darkness.
I know what it’s like to lay awake and pray for sleep to come because it was the only time my mind would stop running with thoughts that I couldn’t control.
I know what it’s like to close your eyes and see the darkness that matched what you were feeling inside, and that being alone was your biggest fear because that’s when everything creeps in.
I know what it’s like to wake up and feel numb and lost and feel like there is no way out, but there is. The way out is time, and strength, and knowing what is going on right now is not how it will be forever.
The aching in your chest and the feeling of emptiness is going to get better, you just have to fight. You have to fight for your life, and fight to make every day better, and fight for your happiness. I know if you’re going through a lot right now, having someone tell you to fight to make things better is the last thing you want to hear, but reminding yourself that you’re the one in charge of your happiness and that if you fight hard enough you can get past this.
The greatest strength you will ever find is when you learn to keep fighting even when you feel like you have nothing left to give. I remember being on my floor, crying, with my favorite album on the record player and looking outside and feeling so numb, so numb that not even the music could bring me joy, and I wondered when, or if I would ever, feel alive again. I felt like no amount of words, or songs, or help from others would ever pull me out of rock bottom and then that’s when I realized. The only person that could pull me up from the bottom was me.
I was so focused on waiting for the pain to just stop, or for someone to take the pain away from me that I failed to realize that I had all the power. I could control the darkness, I could fight my way to the surface and feel alive again.
Struggling with the issues that come with high school, only make the depression and anxiety worse, it only makes the loneliness you feel intensified and it only makes the words “it gets better” more of a slap in the face than a positive reminder. But I promise you that it does, it gets better, maybe the issues you face and the anxiety doesn’t disappear completely, but you have to find your strength in the weakest moments and make them beautiful. You have to be willing to no longer let your darkness consume you and you have to be willing to fight for your life.
It wasn’t until I sought help and decided that being sad and living my life numb was no longer okay for me that I started to realize that I could create the beauty and the happiness I was craving.
It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and learning to let yourself be sad when you need to be but also learning not to let the sadness consume you. I’m 22 and I still don’t have it mastered, there are days that I would rather be sad and lay in bed than get up and find positivity, but it’s about starting those small changes and getting out of bed that spark letting go of darkness.
It’s about learning the allowing the darkness to consume you is no way to live, and it’s about learning the the light you create within your self if enough to change the world.
Darkness is a comfortable friend, but you learn to live when you let go of comfort and let go of the darkness.